I sort of promised a birthday story to shrift, but then time kind of got away from me and . . . well . . . (I'm *pretty* sure she wanted a AtS/BtVS/GO/Dogma/HL/SV/XM2/Farscape/SN crossover. I mean, who wouldn't?)|
by Beth H.
(c) January 3, 2004
Spike: Oi! What's everyone doing sitting around in the dark?
Crowley: Shhhhhh! Not so loud.
Spike: [whispering] Oh, I get it. This is a surprise birthday party for shrift! She'll show up, and somebody'll turn the lights on, and then . . .
Aziraphale: Well . . . er . . . not exactly.
Spike: It's not?
Aziraphale: We had intended something of the kind. We even invited all of her fictional friends, but . . . well, there seems to have been a slight misunderstanding.
Crowley [laughing]: Yeah, I'll say.
Aziraphale: That was not my fault, my dear. I distinctly remember telling the printers to include the fact that it was shrift's birthday on the invitations. I can't be held responsible for the fact that when they arrived, they all seemed to think they'd been invited to participate in an orgy.
Crowley. Whatever you say, angel. Personally, I'm quite pleased with this turn of events. This is my kind of party.
Aziraphale [sniffing]: Yes, well . . . you are a demon, after all.
Metatron: Oh, look, Aziraphale, you don't have to be a demon to enjoy watching humans engage in the activities for which God, in Her wisdom, created them.
Spike: Wait a minute, it's not just humans down there. That's Angel, isn't it? And Lorne. And that kid from Krypton. A blue woman. A blue man . . . what's he doing with that tail, then?
Darius [piously]: I wouldn't have any idea.
Kronos: Right. Don't forget, some of us remember you before the Light Quickening.
Darius [indignantly]: I never used a tail in such a manner!
Kronos: Do you really want the scene to dissolve back to a flashback from 467 A.D.? In front of all these people?
Darius: All right, then. Maybe I do remember using a tail in such a way. Once.
Spike: Who's that? Cor! Is that little Dawn? All grown up now, isn't she?
Aziraphale: Oh dear. I really must protest the use of underage characters in this story.
Metatron [sighing. Dawn disappears.]: There! Satisfied now?
Aziraphale: Thank you.
Spike: Hey, before he makes anyone else disappear, I want in. Who do I have to see about an invitation?
Crowley: You can't go down there.
Spike: What are you on about? I'm a fictional character. I like sex. shrift likes me. What's the problem?
Metatron: You're dead.
Spike: Well, yeah. Of course I am, but so's Angel and he got an invite.
Aziraphale: No, you see . . . you're actually dead at the moment. He's merely undead.
Spike: So what about all you . . . heavenly sorts. You're not dead, right? Why aren't you down there . . . except for old Tall, Dark, and Anatomically Incorrect, of course.
Metatron [muttering]: Peroxide wanker.
Aziraphale: Some of us prefer . . . to watch.
Crowley: Speak for yourself.
Spike: Well I don't prefer to watch
Aziraphale: I'm sorry, my dear . . . it just isn't the done thing. I'm sure you understand.
Spike: No, I bloody well don't understand. That's . . . that's prejudice, that's what it is! No sex just because I'm dead! I'm going to write a letter to my . . .
Darius: The rules don't actually state that you can't engage in sex. Just that you can't engage in sex with them.
Spike: Oh. Okay, so who. . .
Kronos [smiling]: Brother!
Aziraphale: Oh look! There's a latecomer at the door. It's shrift! And she appears to have two friends with her.
Crowley [squinting]: It looks like Danny and Casey. Who invited them?
GOD: I DID.
Crowley: Oh. Sorry Ma'am.
GOD [sighing]: I'M SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS.