Someone posted an announcement to a list that the film The Count of Monte Cristo was going to be opening and - not unexpectedly - the conversation soon veered to an appreciation of the charms of the film's two male leads, Guy Pearce and Jim Caviezel. I figured it would just be a matter of time before somebody somebody started slashing the movie, maybe with something like this.


The Count of Monte Crisco
(c) Beth H
January 2002


"Good lord, man...what *is* this substance?"

"Amazing, isn't it? During my years of captivity, I occasionally found myself the recipient of, shall we say 'unwanted attentions' because, well..."

"Because you're so well-formed and attractive, surely."

"Well, yes, actually."

"And this substance?"

"Ah, the Crisco. Yes, well, I had some time on my hands, and came to the conclusion that perhaps something to...ease the way, as it were, might not be unwelcome."

"You're a genius!"

"Oh, it was nothing. Now, would you care to bend over my treasure chest once again?"

"It would be my pleasure!"


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