(Written in response to The Leaky Cauldron posting an item squelching rumors that Michael Moore was slated to direct the Sixth Harry Potter movie.)

Michael Moore and the Half-Blood Prince
by Beth H.
(c) July 4, 2004

Moore: "...and so we went to the first place you'd want to go if you were looking for a Half-Blood Prince: my home town, Flint, Michigan."

(Music starts to play - something like "Eve of Destruction" or possibly, "Don't Worry, Be Happy"- as disurbing images from a hand-held camera flash across the screen: toddlers playing with matches, toddlers standing in unemployment lines, toddlers with their grubby fingers poised carelessly above the buttons that launch nuclear missles.

An angry voice - possibly Moore's own - can be heard in the background: "Not those scenes! Those are for the public schools documentary, you idiots!"

Images shift to the far-more disturbing picture of a toddler whose head (which is pastede on yay) looks alarmingly like an elephant's head.)

Mother (sitting beside her son): Well, you know, at first we didn't know what to think. I mean, the folks on Henry's side of the family are kind of funny looking...

Father (muttering): Look who's talkin'

Mother: But then Raj, down at the Quik Pik, said it looked like maybe we'd given birth to...what'd he call him, Henry? A manifestation of Garnish? No, that don't make sense. Anyways, one of them Hindu gods, you know? I can tell you, that was a relief. Who wouldn't want a god in the family? We figured at least he probably wouldn't be unemployed.

(Camera pans to toddler, who's playing with G.I. Joes. He's dropping them, one at a time, out of toy planes into a Lego war zone, then taking away their pensions and other benefits.)

Moore: But he wasn't a god, was he?

Mother (ruefully shaking her head): Nope, not really. And then we find out he's not our kid at all. What'd they call it, Henry?

Father (muttering again): Changeling.

Mother: That's it. Left here by some guy who called himself a wizard. Turns out there was supposed to be a note. Something about a prophecy and how this boy had to be hidden in the last place anyone would look. I think it said something about dragons, too. Weird.

(Scene shifts to a not-so-secret meeting of the Ku Klux Klan. "(You Gotta Be) Cruel to be Kind" can be heard in the background.)

Moore (voiceover): If I weren't a completely objective filmmaker, I'd probably be trying to make some connections right now between that boy's elephant head ( the elephant is the symbol of the Republican Party!) and secret wizards and dragons (get it? KKK? Wizards? Grand Dragons?), but I trust my audiences to draw their own conclusions....

(This has been a paid political announcement by the Committee for Subverting Cultural Icons)

Comments, critiques, chit chat: beth-h @ mrks.org

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